Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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