i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
