she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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