I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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