then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
