I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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