I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
