Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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