Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
