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I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
