Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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