i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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