life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
