he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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