If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
