My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
