I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
