he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
