Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
