Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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