I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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