Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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