I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
