and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize