i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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