My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
