can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
