dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
