Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So much Jack, so little girl.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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