Yo dont text me then not text me
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
