If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
