I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize