the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
