I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize