I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
