So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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