I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
