I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
