Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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