I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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