dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
