I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
