No stitches, just platelets and will power
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
