dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Houston, we have a blender
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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