oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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