Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
