halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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