I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
