Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Everyone says I win the strip club
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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