I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
