I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize