I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
