A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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