everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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