"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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