I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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