I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I believe in your delicious
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
