M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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