this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
