Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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