I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
