I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
