You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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