you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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